I want to be happy.

Till Then

I've uploaded it, can't seem to post it up here yet

GG Boyfriend

Enjoy

Till Then

It's 2.36pm and yes I skip kerja!

LOL! I just couldn't sleep last night, the weather was too cold, the bed too hot and that made my skin itchy and dry and I didn't sleep. I dreamt that I slept but when I woke up it felt like I hadn't slept at all. 

So there, an intimate insight into my sleepign habits.

I am close to uploading my first musical you tube video and I have no idea what to call it, should I even bother editing it? Below is the blooper/teaser! MOH wants me to call it 'GG boyfriend" where else I just want to go old school and call it "A sad love song, GG".When I first wrote this I laughed till tears came out, but hey, I'm easily amused.

Update! I tried to upload without putting it on youtube and then...epicfailage.

Sorry! Will let you guys know when it's up!

Laters my lovelies.

Till Then.

p/s a friend asked why don't i take care when i write and make sure i spell things correctly. I gues the onyl way to explain it is, if i re-read what I wrote i tend to change it and it becomes less honest and more contrived. She heard that and said "oh, go the bad spelling!"

I love my friends...sometimes.

Ok! so it's confirmed, I am really very bad at updating this blog I mean I might as well delete the damn thing right?But this blog has some sentimental value and when I reread my past entries I feel better about myself. 

I don't know about you guys but I am really harsh critic of myself. I want to be humble, sincere, nice and unapologetic of my views and attidudes. However, sometimes I want to be perfect. I want to have the perfect smile, the perfect body, ther perfect friends, the perfect  boyfriend. I want it to be completely, utterly perfect and when life shits on me I throw a big ass tantrum. Everything is everyone elses fault and when I am done throwing my toys I start to mutilate myself. Berating myself for not being better, for not eating healthier, for not dressing up nicer, for saying an unkind word, for not smiling enough for not...EVERYTHING.

Everything la. 

Then I come here, read my previous post and think that I am such a selfish person. I have many things in life to be grateful about. I have a home, I have a stable job, close group of friends who dare to be themselves in grumpyness and in health and a man who loves me with all the nastyness that I bring.

For a long time I felt that life was lacking, I planned all these grand ideas hoping that it would fill up that big gaping hole in my soul. I have not been able to fill it up yet but I feel that I am at least closer to loving myself for myself and not the person I want to be. 

I will let you know when I get there. 

Till Then. 

p/s starting from today I will at least update once a week but don't hold your breath too long now

I haven't been to yoga yet.

My promises right now at the moment to myself cost about 50 cents...maybe less.

Cheap.

I won'tt even trust myself at the rate that I am going.

Till Then

I will try yoga this week! I will.

Now if only I could get my body to move away from this desk, dress and haul my ass off to class.

I got some nice looking photos up soon! 

Promise!

Heh, besides that just wanted to let you guys know that i Have applied for a new position with Shiseido. Will let you know how it went. 

Wish me luck!

Till Then

There is definitely something wrong with me. I have been in a good mood for the past two weeks but the two weeks before that I was on the edge the whole time. Anything could set me off, netball wasn’t fun, I started to not like the people I played with, I didn’t like the people I play squash with, didn’t like the people I party with. I just didn’t like anybody not even myself.

It was a really confusing time for me and I fear that I will go through it again. This mood swings are not doing me any good mentally and spiritually. Sometimes I would feel like my life had no meaning and that I had to do something about it.

I felt as if I was stagnant water in the gutter and never going anywhere and getting filthier each day as I am exposed to the elements. I want to be a flowing river, ever changing and clear. Calm and collected.

Breathing in and exhaling slowly does help sometimes but I get so agitated that everything I do comes in panic gasps for air.I don’t think I’m depressed, I do think this problem is connected to the food that I am eating and not eating. I would like to be less moody and more upbeat!  Maybe, I feel like because I am turning 25 and yet I have not much to show for it.

Maybe, I am just being negative and finally succumbed to the self pity that I have often ridiculed other people about.

Sigh, I am laughing as I read back this entry, but truly, I was not happy with myself and this moods would come and go quite frequently but for this past two weeks I have a respite from the drama of my ‘conflicted’ soul.

Akkakakkakakakakakaakak

Sigh, Whatever.

Till Then.